Today was a MAJOR CHEAT DAY!

I went to Ponderosa. I ate out of the buffet. I don't know if it's because I haven't ate a lot of food in a while or what, but it was delicious. I had three plates. I know what you all may be thinking - way to exercise self-control, right? Well, you would be right for the most part. I went to a wedding today and afterward, everyone agreed to go to Ponderosa. So, here I was caught in the middle of wanting to stay home so that I can safely calculate each and every point I eat or go out with the family and enjoy myself. Well, the reality of it is, I will always be faced with these situations. The key is how I react to them. If I overeat (like I obviously did today), I owe it to myself to eat light the next day and work out more than I would have.

Hopefully you grabbed one of the keywords from the last sentence there. OWE. If you remember in a recent blog post, I discussed loving food more than myself. Well, in order to owe yourself something, you have to think that you are worth something. While it's true that I do love food. I can now say I love myself more. That, my friends, is progress.

I won't keep too much of your time on this post because I will be writing something that we all can learn from during the day tomorrow. I just wanted to briefly share that I cheated (and if you do this, it's ok), but I'm growing from the experience and learning who's really in charge (me!).

Talk to you soon!

Weight Watchers Update!

Today I will (for real, this time) keep it short and sweet...

I lost 3.4 pounds last week using the Weight Watchers program! According to their scale, I am now 237.2 pounds. Can you say w00t?!!

For the most part, sticking to my plan has been fairly simple. Simple is not to be confused with easy. It has not been easy, by any stretch. However, it is much simpler than ever before, because I have the support of the meetings in learning the right things to do. So far, the program has been worth the $40 monthly pass that I bought. Plus, I enjoy sharing my triumphs with people face-to-face. So, the good news is that I'm not slacking.

So, I'm sticking to the plan and loosing weight. On top of me changing my eating habits, I also go to the park and walk 2.2 miles at least every other day or so.

It's actually fun this go 'round. Once again, that shouldn't be confused with easy. But, it is fun and the fun makes it all more tolerable.

Well, that's all I got. Til next time, take care.

Love,
Big Girl E

This Weekend!

So, this weekend was amazing. I touched on so many areas of my own personal fitness. I don't have very much time to type, so I will keep it short and sweet.

#1 - I attended the FAA (Food Addicts Anonymous) phone meeting. It really was not my speed. Their focus is to cut all wheat and sugar out of your diet. Granted, this is an excellent focus and will likely lead to future weight loss and overall fitness. However, it's not the change for me. I would go crazy cutting off my sugar and breads cold turkey like that. Plus the call was pretty scattered and everyone seemed a bit rehearsed. That's just my opinion. They say you should try attending the meetings six times before you decide it's not right for you. Right now, I just don't see this being the route I want to take.

#2 - I joined Weight Watchers. Yes, I'm a part of the actual program. The reason I say "actual program" is because I have tried to do it on my own without the meetings and failed each time (I tried 2-3 times before). Now, I will not only have the support of my leaders, but I will also have more accountability to my finances (since there will be $40 coming out each month for the monthly pass). I'm too cheap to let money go down the drain like that. A big plus, though, is that my sister in law joined with me so we will try to attend the meetings together. I think it will be fun for us and let us have some "girl time".

#3 - I had the most vigorous walk in the park so far. My hubby really pushed me beyond what I thought were my limits, but it was a fierce workout, and I can't thank him enough. Sure I whined and complained along the way, but it was really worthwhile - so much so that I lost a pound right afterward. Now, of course he thinks he's the master trainer. He's pretty awesome, and I will give him credit because it's definitely due.

I stuck to my plan today and even sought out what Weight Watchers calls "Filling Foods" so that I have lower points, but I'm getting more full. Of course that results in fewer cravings, and a happier disposition about this lifestyle change I have made.

I know I said I would keep it short, but time flies when you're having fun. Gotta run, but I will keep you all updated. Keep tuning in! TTYL :-)

Quick Update!

Sorry for not posting for a while. I'm still here. I haven't been dieting or sticking to a workout schedule (surprise, right?). I did, however, download MyFitnessPal to my Droid, and I'm going to start keeping track of things very soon. When exactly? I can't say for sure because I don't want to keep setting myself up for failure. But, bear with me as I keep trying.

Here's a comment that I received to my post on Tyler's 344pounds.com site:

"When I’m obese I know the mechanics of how to lose weight, but I haven’t the heart.

Then something in my life will trigger that switch in my mind that is turned on and PRESTO I become motivated and get it in gear.

For Tyler it was the birth of his baby girl. For me it has varied, I have an milestone birthday coming up next year and I don’t want to hate myself for being overweight anymore. I’ve lost 50 pounds since January and my quality of life is much better now, even though I’ll still overweight according to my BMI.

You’re not ready, till you have your heart and mind committed to changing – until then just do your best to be super supportive of your husband!"

This was in response to my complete breakdown on his blog. I think it's very true. I'm obviously not ready, but at the same time, I need a way to clear this food addiction. I'm going to get involved in some Food Addicts Anonymous meetings - there is actually a session scheduled for tomorrow at 10 AM CST. I think I will call in and hopefully get some inspiration. The good news is they have the meetings every single day. So, I think this will be helpful. I will post to let you know what I have learned from the call. The website suggests attending at least 6 meetings before dismissing it. So, that's exactly what I will do.

Thanks everyone for reading, and please bear with me as I work to get myself on the right track!

Six Tons @ Six Flags

The title above was just for fun - FYI :-)

I went to Six Flags today. I haven't been in a while, and boy have things changed. And no, I'm not talking about the rides in the park. The thing (person) that has changed is me. I'm probably about 40 pounds heavier than I was the last time I went.

I have never really felt ostracized because of my weight. I was never ridiculed (at least not in front of my face) about it. As I told the hubby earlier, I was already ready to make a "cheap shot" at myself before someone else did. I would call myself fat or talk about how big I was so that I didn't hear it from anyone else. That way, I was laughing with them about my weight as opposed to be laughed at.

Well, long story short, today while riding some of the rides, it was clear that I was really too fat to be on the rides. I won't name specifics (not now at least), but there were a few where I was not only uncomfortably snug but also barely able to get buckled in. I know a big contributor to that was the size of my boobs (that's a whole 'nother topic of its own), but I've always been top heavy. I haven't always been 240+ pounds. That put a huge damper on my day - all I could focus on was how big I was and how I had no business being there and thinking I could get on any rides. It was incredibly painful, embarrassing, and most importantly - it was a reality check.

I may feel all warm and cozy in my abilities and may even live in denial about what I can and cannot do from time to time. However, the rides don't lie. If you can't fit them, there's no getting around it. You will either still try to get on and risk embarrassment or stand on the outside watching everyone else ride the rides. Either way, you're singled out as the "fat kid".

I've been learning so much about my struggle with weight over the past week or so, it's amazing. I've found that I was living in denial, playing the victim, and not seeing myself at the size I really am. Today, I got a reality check. I'm a big girl and it's a small world. I have to figure out a way to fit in somehow...

Learning to Love ME is the KEY!

Ok, so I know I said I was going to sleep, but I just had an epiphany. I was reading the blog over at 344pounds.com and Tyler was discussing how there is no easy way to lose weight. It takes extreme dedication to the cause. Well, I started commenting about the blog post I just wrote about weight loss being hard. Before I knew it, I completely went off on a tangent (well, a relevant tangent) about the blog post I wrote here and how hard it is. I talked about how I didn't want to give up the "bad foods" that are really good foods to me. Then, I dropped the bomb...

I LOVE FOOD MORE THAN I LOVE MYSELF!

Believe it or not, this is not the surprise. The surprise came when I said that I didn't want to let go of the foods I love because then I would be stuck loving me. Those are some pretty strong words. For some reason, I'm afraid to love myself. For some reason, my self-esteem is so low that I can't bring myself to love the one person that I have no other choice than to spend the rest of my life with.

There's something really wrong here, and I think that this is the reason for so many other hiccups in my life here lately. I've got to work on me, and I definitely need to totally cut those "bad foods" out. Why? Because I need to FORCE myself to love myself. As ridiculous as that may sound, it's true. I'm being very real, very open, and very true here. I've got to stop living in denial and start making the necessary changes to stop being afraid to love me.

Ok, for real, I'm going to bed now. I will keep you all posted on my progress.

Trying to Lose Weight is Hard

I'm one of those "weight loss bloggers". So, naturally, you would think that I have it all together like many others out there. I'm far, far, far from together. As a matter of fact, I was near tears the other day talking about the journey ahead. I was in tears because it's HARD. Even though I have a husband who has lost an entire person, it's still hard for me because I'm so scared to let go of the foods I love the most.

I can exercise and even cut back. But, when it comes to cutting out the foods that I love most, I struggle. The other day I did reach my time goal for working out. But, I have been eating like a pig here lately. I really wish I could get down to the bottom of what my food issue is, but for some reason, I just can't. I'm in this body and I can't stop eating those foods. Sure, I know they taste good - but is that the only reason that I can't stop eating? Or is there something deeper there?

It's almost easier to say that I will opt for the gastric bypass surgery, but I will feel like I'm taking the easy way out. I do wonder, though - will I EVER be able to take the "hard way out"?

Just some thoughts....

I'm going to bed.

Yesterday (Aug 10) I Worked Out

...the day before I did nothing.

Typical me would find it much easier to run and hide from this issue. Instead, I'm making it known. Once again, it's all about the accountability factor. If I can't blame myself - who can I blame? I'm not going to dwell on it because there's no point in crying over spilled milk. The best thing to do is just suck it up and move along.

I did a very brief workout yesterday. It felt strange. I only did about 20 minutes on the treadmill and I felt a little beat afterwards. Then again, I haven't worked out in a really long time (about a month) so I've fallen out of the little shape I had been getting into for the month and a half or so that I was working out faithfully.

As you all know, falling off the wagon just makes it harder to get back on when you're ready. I feel like I'm ready, but I hate to try to push myself through the challenge. I'm keeping at it, though, and we shall see what happens. My promise for TODAY: Work out for at least 25 minutes.

Ugh! I Fell Through on My Promise!

Yesterday was not a horrible day (food wise), but it was not a good day either. I did not make it to the gym either (WHAT A SLACKER!). However, I am excited because I did cut down on my portions at dinner. Also, I didn't say last time but I have been drinking mostly water here lately. I know that's a good thing, but I don't think it's good enough.

I do, however, think that it is very good that I am now able to own up to my mistakes and not run into hiding whenever things go awry. I can publicly express my concerns about the struggle I'm having with food addiction and weight loss in general. That's one of the greatest things about Big Girl Diaries. I don't have to sugarcoat anything. And furthermore, I'm no nameless blogger. People who know me personally know that I have this blog because I post the link on my Facebook profile. I have videos on here so I'm not afraid to show my face. I am a real person with real struggles and one of them just happens to surround food.

So now what? I feel through on my promise from yesterday, so what do I do? Well, I can make a promise to myself that today will be better. I refused to continuously dwell on yesterday and what I could have done different because that day is over. Instead, I will trudge forward into today. So, here I go again...

My promise for TODAY: eat healthy portions & go to the gym or go walking.

I'm Back After Over a Month of Slacking!

Well, quite a bit has unfolded in my personal life. Career changes, living arrangement changes, relationship changes, friendship changes, and pretty much anything you can imagine. You name it, I've lived through it in this short amount of time. Actually, there's one thing I haven't changed - my WEIGHT!

Unfortunately with all of the changes, I haven't been able to dedicate myself at all to working out or eating right. Let me rephrase that (taking accountability here), I haven't wanted to dedicate myself to working out. The gym here is 24/7 so there is really no excuse why I couldn't do what I needed to do. But, I just didn't. I've been eating all the wrong foods and not working out at all. So, I'm blaming me and no one else.

And I also know I've promised before that I would get better with my blogging, and I haven't. There was a lack of dedication in this department as well. I will say, though, I have definitely missed those of you who do read my blog. I apologize, and I will be better -- FOR REAL, FOR REAL this time.

Today I watched a movie called Disfigured (2008) that definitely got my thinking up. It was about a really fat (no PC here) girl and an anorexic girl, their relationship with each other and the outside world, and the surprisingly common threads between the two. I would recommend you check it out. It is an Indie film and you can tell by the picture quality, some acting quality, etc. It does have a good message, though.

In case you aren't aware - there are three (that I know of - correct me if I'm wrong) eating disorders. Lack of eating (anorexia), binging and vomiting (bulimia), and overeating. What does it mean if you have any of these issues? It means you have a PROBLEM. Me personally, I'm an overeater. I'm addicted to food and while I'm not sure why (psychological issue), I know that it is a problem. One of the purposes of this blog is to share with you the ups and downs of food addiction and how to try and battle it if this is an issue you're facing.

The hardest part of kicking a food addiction is unlike drug addiction, alcoholism, or other commonly know addictions, you have to eat food to live. Every single day you have to eat food. So, what it all boils down to is choosing the right food to eat. Very hard to eat a salad when all you're thinking about is a honey bun.

So, I'm restarting this today - that's right TODAY (Sunday 8/8/10). I'm going to actually go to the gym tomorrow, and what's more, I'm going to cut my food down to more healthy portions. I don't think I will go to the calorie counting extreme because as I discussed in another post, that's too extreme for me right now. I don't want to deprive myself. I'd rather make healthier substitutions and go from there.

So, wish me luck as I embark on this journey once again...