Fat is like HIV/AIDS

Yesterday was World AIDS Day, and I didn't actually know until after I posted for the day. So, this post is in memory of those we lost to the disease as well as those who are living with it step-by-step and day-by-day. Much love to you all!~

Now, on to regularly scheduled programming...

Fat waits for no one. No one has to give it permission. No one has to invite it over. No one has to even talk to it! Fat is the red-headed stepchild that no one wants to be seen with in public.

Why does Fat sneak up on us? There are a couple of reasons -- 1) it catches you with your pants down (you didn't even see it coming) or 2) you weren't being conscientious about your eating habits even though you knew a visit from Fat was right around the corner. Either way, you've got to clean up your life.

If you are so busy with other things that you can't take the time for yourself to see that you are actually unhealthy, that you aren't taking in the best foods, etc. you need to take a step back and take some time for you.

If you just didn't care either way about your weight, have I got a newsflash for you? It's becoming more difficult as days pass by to "justify" being Fat. Not only is Fat uncomfortable, but it's also disgusting, awkward, and just all around unnecessary. The only reason you should EVER be Fat is if you have a tapeworm or some other disorder that otherwise prevents you from being healthy.

Another thing is, Fat is a DISEASE. It's actually very similar to HIV/AIDS. No one dies of HIV/AIDS, they die of complications stemming from the disease. No one dies of being Fat - they die of complications from it - like heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, sleep apnea, etc.

There are only three differences between HIV/AIDS and Fat -- 1) people with HIV/AIDS have access to treatments but no cures, there is nothing they can do to get RID of this disease. Fat is completely avoidable. 2) Everyday people with HIV/AIDS have to live with (or die because of) one bad choice they or someone else made. Everyday Fat people have the choice of making good decisions for their health - it was not ONE mistake that got you where you are, there were MANY. 3) HIV/AIDS is a contagious disease and can be passed to another human by way of certain body fluids. Fat is not contagious. No one put you where you are but you and you alone.

So, on World AIDS Day, think about the fact that you are blessed to not face the illness and all we (myself included) have to deal with is Fat. Pray for the people who have to live with the conditions of this disease. Also, keep up hope for a cure.

Now, what reason is it that you can't put down the food and commit yourself to doing what NEEDS to be done? Do you want to live or die? Each day you get the make the choice while others aren't so lucky.

Ass-Backward Society!

We live in a (pardon my French) ass-backward society!

On one hand, we praise the slender - so much so that it drives even those who are healthy size and weight to suffer from extreme eating disorders like anorexia or bulimia. We showcase the tall, "skinny" model as the "ultimate woman". This of course leads us to believe that thin is in and anything else is...well, you get the point.

However (and this is where it gets interesting) - we effectively price people out of being healthy. I have many theories about this, but only one of them is related to the blog. It's a form of what's called "population control". Population control is when the population of a species is unnaturally controlled by some man-made concept, idea, or mechanism. Now, that's just Big Girl E's definition, nothing out of Merriam-Webster. I digress, but follow me here...

Unhealthy food options are the cheapest. If you think of the dollar menu at any fast food restaurant, processed foods, etc. On the same token, look at organic food or food at more health-conscious restaurants. Of course, if you can't afford to buy the more expensive foods, you will opt for the less expensive alternative.

The cycle goes: you pay less money and get unhealthy food, you get fat and unhealthy, then you die from some sort of obesity-related illness.

Why do we allow them to keep us down and continue to make it hard to be healthy? Does this make ANY sense at all?

Hi, I'm FAT - How Are You?

So I haven't blogged in a while. I apologize to anyone who may count on inspiration, laughs, tears, etc. from this blog. I haven't been consistent, and most of all I haven't been losing any weight. It was never my intention to deprive you of what you seek in this blog, so I plan to now get back on track (yeah right, she said that before).

The Thanksgiving holiday has passed, and now it's time to re-evaluate. As always, since the last time I posted, I have undergone quite a few changes in life - we moved to another state, I've completely dedicated myself to working from home, and the hub got a promotion at work. On a more fun level, we also purchased the new XBox 360 w/ Kinect and the game Dance Central. I have been doing a lot with that here lately. I don't think it's anything considerable as far as losing weight, but it is a great way to get moving.

During this time, I also have been real with myself. I don't know if you remember the post about my traumatic experience at Six Flags, but I recently had another personal breakdown - this type about clothes. It used to not be so difficult to find clothes to fit me. I would just go into the store, find the plus sized section, pick out something appropriate, and move on. Well, now this involves going to multiple stores, not find anything, and ultimately settling for the first thing you find just because you're just happy you FINALLY found something that fits. Shopping for clothes is NOT FUN when you're FAT! It's a horrible experience that leaves you feeling depressed, unworthy, and just plain bad.

Have any of you experienced this? Do you know what it's like to want SO BADLY to just find a cute outfit -- without spending an arm and a leg? I wear a size 20. I wear either a 2XL or 3XL in shirts depending on the cut  -- this is mainly due to have HUGE boobs and no other real choices in the matter. For me to be such a person who loves to take the cheapest route possible, I'm not paying attention to all of the money that being FAT has cost me? I'm not deep into buying name brand clothes, but an outfit can easily cost me $40+. I don't buy bras from Victoria's Secret, yet my bras cost me $35+ -- and what's worse is that's for a granny bra - not a cute bra.

I feel isolated as a big woman in America. As my husband says, "when you're big, you have to be in a box". I used to think that was fine and that I could simply build my own little world inside my box. I could start a clothing store selling fabulous plus sized women's clothes for less. But then it dawned on me - that would be me going out of my way to STAY FAT! Who does that? It's like choosing to keep a life-threatening illness. Then, if I did something like that - I would be nothing more than an enabler. I would make women feel better about being FAT, but they shouldn't feel better. They should feel very uncomfortable because uncomfortable inspires change.

It took me 24 years to learn that...

Six Tons @ Six Flags

The title above was just for fun - FYI :-)

I went to Six Flags today. I haven't been in a while, and boy have things changed. And no, I'm not talking about the rides in the park. The thing (person) that has changed is me. I'm probably about 40 pounds heavier than I was the last time I went.

I have never really felt ostracized because of my weight. I was never ridiculed (at least not in front of my face) about it. As I told the hubby earlier, I was already ready to make a "cheap shot" at myself before someone else did. I would call myself fat or talk about how big I was so that I didn't hear it from anyone else. That way, I was laughing with them about my weight as opposed to be laughed at.

Well, long story short, today while riding some of the rides, it was clear that I was really too fat to be on the rides. I won't name specifics (not now at least), but there were a few where I was not only uncomfortably snug but also barely able to get buckled in. I know a big contributor to that was the size of my boobs (that's a whole 'nother topic of its own), but I've always been top heavy. I haven't always been 240+ pounds. That put a huge damper on my day - all I could focus on was how big I was and how I had no business being there and thinking I could get on any rides. It was incredibly painful, embarrassing, and most importantly - it was a reality check.

I may feel all warm and cozy in my abilities and may even live in denial about what I can and cannot do from time to time. However, the rides don't lie. If you can't fit them, there's no getting around it. You will either still try to get on and risk embarrassment or stand on the outside watching everyone else ride the rides. Either way, you're singled out as the "fat kid".

I've been learning so much about my struggle with weight over the past week or so, it's amazing. I've found that I was living in denial, playing the victim, and not seeing myself at the size I really am. Today, I got a reality check. I'm a big girl and it's a small world. I have to figure out a way to fit in somehow...

Learning to Love ME is the KEY!

Ok, so I know I said I was going to sleep, but I just had an epiphany. I was reading the blog over at 344pounds.com and Tyler was discussing how there is no easy way to lose weight. It takes extreme dedication to the cause. Well, I started commenting about the blog post I just wrote about weight loss being hard. Before I knew it, I completely went off on a tangent (well, a relevant tangent) about the blog post I wrote here and how hard it is. I talked about how I didn't want to give up the "bad foods" that are really good foods to me. Then, I dropped the bomb...

I LOVE FOOD MORE THAN I LOVE MYSELF!

Believe it or not, this is not the surprise. The surprise came when I said that I didn't want to let go of the foods I love because then I would be stuck loving me. Those are some pretty strong words. For some reason, I'm afraid to love myself. For some reason, my self-esteem is so low that I can't bring myself to love the one person that I have no other choice than to spend the rest of my life with.

There's something really wrong here, and I think that this is the reason for so many other hiccups in my life here lately. I've got to work on me, and I definitely need to totally cut those "bad foods" out. Why? Because I need to FORCE myself to love myself. As ridiculous as that may sound, it's true. I'm being very real, very open, and very true here. I've got to stop living in denial and start making the necessary changes to stop being afraid to love me.

Ok, for real, I'm going to bed now. I will keep you all posted on my progress.

Trying to Lose Weight is Hard

I'm one of those "weight loss bloggers". So, naturally, you would think that I have it all together like many others out there. I'm far, far, far from together. As a matter of fact, I was near tears the other day talking about the journey ahead. I was in tears because it's HARD. Even though I have a husband who has lost an entire person, it's still hard for me because I'm so scared to let go of the foods I love the most.

I can exercise and even cut back. But, when it comes to cutting out the foods that I love most, I struggle. The other day I did reach my time goal for working out. But, I have been eating like a pig here lately. I really wish I could get down to the bottom of what my food issue is, but for some reason, I just can't. I'm in this body and I can't stop eating those foods. Sure, I know they taste good - but is that the only reason that I can't stop eating? Or is there something deeper there?

It's almost easier to say that I will opt for the gastric bypass surgery, but I will feel like I'm taking the easy way out. I do wonder, though - will I EVER be able to take the "hard way out"?

Just some thoughts....

I'm going to bed.

No Wrists - No Ankles - No Kidding?

For quite some time, I knew didn't have ankles. I had even got to the point of embracing my "cankles". But, I never thought about the fact that I don't have wrists. So earlier today, I was looking at a picture of my wrists (or lack thereof) and was surprised to see the truth. Is there even an affectionate name for the wristless? Probably not, and you know why --- because it's not cute or attractive.

As I'm typing this post, I thought back to the movie "Ray" with Jamie Foxx where he was showing how Ray Charles would feel a woman's wrist to see if she's attractive or not. If he were to try to feel my wrist, he would be very disappointed, even though I have grown to see myself as an attractive young lady. It's hard to look and yourself and realize what your weight has done to your body -- especially if you're someone who has lived in denial for a good portion of your bigger life. I was in denial about me gaining weight, I made false promises to myself, etc.

For instance, I can recall being as small as a size 16 (probably not terribly small to most of you, but I'm in a size 20 now). I also remember outgrowing the 16s and moving into 18s. At that point, I would tell myself, I won't get bigger than an 18. That was the size I was when I went to prom my junior year of high school. Needless to say, I got past that point. I also remember the time I maintained a weight of 205 pounds. When I got on Depo-Provera (the birth control shot), my weight quickly ballooned up to 220 pounds over the course of one year. My doctor took me off of that method after finding this out. I dropped the weight almost instantly. After that, I stuck between 205-215 for quite some time. I had actually convinced myself that I couldn't get any bigger than that regardless of how much I ate. Well, I was wrong...

Now I can't seem to break out of 240. The lowest weight I've been in recent years is 227 pounds. All of this is keeping me in a size 20. I never thought I would go above 18, but once again, I was wrong...

It is a struggle to lose this weight, but then again, I didn't put it on overnight, so I can't expect to lose it overnight. I know that saying is pretty cliche', but it's very appropriate. All of the years I spent spiraling out of control are coming back to bite me in the butt now (literally LOL).

On the upside, I did burn 348 calories at the gym yesterday (no proof this time). I could have done better, but I was getting a bit tired from upping my resistance on the treadclimber. I did the fat burning exercise with my low at level 3 (elliptical movement) and my high on level 10 (climbing). It will probably take me a while to get the hang of this...