Six Tons @ Six Flags

The title above was just for fun - FYI :-)

I went to Six Flags today. I haven't been in a while, and boy have things changed. And no, I'm not talking about the rides in the park. The thing (person) that has changed is me. I'm probably about 40 pounds heavier than I was the last time I went.

I have never really felt ostracized because of my weight. I was never ridiculed (at least not in front of my face) about it. As I told the hubby earlier, I was already ready to make a "cheap shot" at myself before someone else did. I would call myself fat or talk about how big I was so that I didn't hear it from anyone else. That way, I was laughing with them about my weight as opposed to be laughed at.

Well, long story short, today while riding some of the rides, it was clear that I was really too fat to be on the rides. I won't name specifics (not now at least), but there were a few where I was not only uncomfortably snug but also barely able to get buckled in. I know a big contributor to that was the size of my boobs (that's a whole 'nother topic of its own), but I've always been top heavy. I haven't always been 240+ pounds. That put a huge damper on my day - all I could focus on was how big I was and how I had no business being there and thinking I could get on any rides. It was incredibly painful, embarrassing, and most importantly - it was a reality check.

I may feel all warm and cozy in my abilities and may even live in denial about what I can and cannot do from time to time. However, the rides don't lie. If you can't fit them, there's no getting around it. You will either still try to get on and risk embarrassment or stand on the outside watching everyone else ride the rides. Either way, you're singled out as the "fat kid".

I've been learning so much about my struggle with weight over the past week or so, it's amazing. I've found that I was living in denial, playing the victim, and not seeing myself at the size I really am. Today, I got a reality check. I'm a big girl and it's a small world. I have to figure out a way to fit in somehow...

I'm Back After Over a Month of Slacking!

Well, quite a bit has unfolded in my personal life. Career changes, living arrangement changes, relationship changes, friendship changes, and pretty much anything you can imagine. You name it, I've lived through it in this short amount of time. Actually, there's one thing I haven't changed - my WEIGHT!

Unfortunately with all of the changes, I haven't been able to dedicate myself at all to working out or eating right. Let me rephrase that (taking accountability here), I haven't wanted to dedicate myself to working out. The gym here is 24/7 so there is really no excuse why I couldn't do what I needed to do. But, I just didn't. I've been eating all the wrong foods and not working out at all. So, I'm blaming me and no one else.

And I also know I've promised before that I would get better with my blogging, and I haven't. There was a lack of dedication in this department as well. I will say, though, I have definitely missed those of you who do read my blog. I apologize, and I will be better -- FOR REAL, FOR REAL this time.

Today I watched a movie called Disfigured (2008) that definitely got my thinking up. It was about a really fat (no PC here) girl and an anorexic girl, their relationship with each other and the outside world, and the surprisingly common threads between the two. I would recommend you check it out. It is an Indie film and you can tell by the picture quality, some acting quality, etc. It does have a good message, though.

In case you aren't aware - there are three (that I know of - correct me if I'm wrong) eating disorders. Lack of eating (anorexia), binging and vomiting (bulimia), and overeating. What does it mean if you have any of these issues? It means you have a PROBLEM. Me personally, I'm an overeater. I'm addicted to food and while I'm not sure why (psychological issue), I know that it is a problem. One of the purposes of this blog is to share with you the ups and downs of food addiction and how to try and battle it if this is an issue you're facing.

The hardest part of kicking a food addiction is unlike drug addiction, alcoholism, or other commonly know addictions, you have to eat food to live. Every single day you have to eat food. So, what it all boils down to is choosing the right food to eat. Very hard to eat a salad when all you're thinking about is a honey bun.

So, I'm restarting this today - that's right TODAY (Sunday 8/8/10). I'm going to actually go to the gym tomorrow, and what's more, I'm going to cut my food down to more healthy portions. I don't think I will go to the calorie counting extreme because as I discussed in another post, that's too extreme for me right now. I don't want to deprive myself. I'd rather make healthier substitutions and go from there.

So, wish me luck as I embark on this journey once again...