Hi, I'm FAT - How Are You?

So I haven't blogged in a while. I apologize to anyone who may count on inspiration, laughs, tears, etc. from this blog. I haven't been consistent, and most of all I haven't been losing any weight. It was never my intention to deprive you of what you seek in this blog, so I plan to now get back on track (yeah right, she said that before).

The Thanksgiving holiday has passed, and now it's time to re-evaluate. As always, since the last time I posted, I have undergone quite a few changes in life - we moved to another state, I've completely dedicated myself to working from home, and the hub got a promotion at work. On a more fun level, we also purchased the new XBox 360 w/ Kinect and the game Dance Central. I have been doing a lot with that here lately. I don't think it's anything considerable as far as losing weight, but it is a great way to get moving.

During this time, I also have been real with myself. I don't know if you remember the post about my traumatic experience at Six Flags, but I recently had another personal breakdown - this type about clothes. It used to not be so difficult to find clothes to fit me. I would just go into the store, find the plus sized section, pick out something appropriate, and move on. Well, now this involves going to multiple stores, not find anything, and ultimately settling for the first thing you find just because you're just happy you FINALLY found something that fits. Shopping for clothes is NOT FUN when you're FAT! It's a horrible experience that leaves you feeling depressed, unworthy, and just plain bad.

Have any of you experienced this? Do you know what it's like to want SO BADLY to just find a cute outfit -- without spending an arm and a leg? I wear a size 20. I wear either a 2XL or 3XL in shirts depending on the cut  -- this is mainly due to have HUGE boobs and no other real choices in the matter. For me to be such a person who loves to take the cheapest route possible, I'm not paying attention to all of the money that being FAT has cost me? I'm not deep into buying name brand clothes, but an outfit can easily cost me $40+. I don't buy bras from Victoria's Secret, yet my bras cost me $35+ -- and what's worse is that's for a granny bra - not a cute bra.

I feel isolated as a big woman in America. As my husband says, "when you're big, you have to be in a box". I used to think that was fine and that I could simply build my own little world inside my box. I could start a clothing store selling fabulous plus sized women's clothes for less. But then it dawned on me - that would be me going out of my way to STAY FAT! Who does that? It's like choosing to keep a life-threatening illness. Then, if I did something like that - I would be nothing more than an enabler. I would make women feel better about being FAT, but they shouldn't feel better. They should feel very uncomfortable because uncomfortable inspires change.

It took me 24 years to learn that...